Me

 Assalamualaikum. 

Hai, hope you will come back and read this.

We always have hopes for better life, mungkin more towards emotional way. I do have hopes, but i am not sure sama ada i have faith. I have no energy to imagine good things. When it always come with disappointments. Aku tahu there is always hikmah, either this is the way god try to save me or He want to grant me something big later on.

Years, well 24 years not that long, but it feels like a loop, with no end. I always try to run, and use distractions to make my mind stay sane. You know is not good being sad all the time. 

But i think, sad is me. Blue is me. Starting to believe my name is meant to be penyesalan, people arounds, will always menyesal is it. 

Hai. Im not sure what will comes. I dont dare to picture happiness in coming years. I dont dare. To many heart breaks, too many scars with new wounds.

 

Little things matters, big things matters. I always question why, i have feelings, when all i can sense is numb. 

Dear me, are you fine now? hope you fine, because now we are reaching the breaking point, that may lead us to disappear? From people, lets live with 3 cats, and enjoying their purss. Lets run to North pole? we can make friends with polar bear? Or found a dinosaur skeleton? 

I dont have strength, i hope you gain it, somedays.. maybe. 

You know life is tough, maybe theres other with tougher life. Well, ours is tough too, and rough. Sandpaper is smoother. 

Hello, we are not fine. Admit it. We messed up. Life is no fun. And ya, never expect one. It will never be fun, never. Expect disappointment, so you ready to take it. Ha ha.

I cannot la, this is tiring. Really hoping better l, but no. If i have a chance to reset all, i dont even want to come out from mak womb. Let me dead or what.

I dont know, hope you are there. Living the dreams. That might never come true.. 

wasalam

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Done Medikel Skool

Assalamualaikum geng, weh AHAH aku dah habis siot 5 tahun degree. Di zaman pandemik korona ni, alhamdulillah. Aku nak rant sikit la ye.

 

Final year after nama-nama yang layak untuk ambil exam profesional keluar, kami dapat dalam 1 bulan studi week. Terima kasih tarikh vaksin dan terima kasih korona. Kalau tak studi week nya hanya 2 minggu. Nak di jadikan cerita, aku selama 1 bulan studi week tu hari2 aku beli makanan luar untuk sarapan, lunch and dinner dan ofkos snek. HARI HARI. Aku end up naik 5Kg dalam masa satu bulan. 

Tiba hari exam. Exam 2 minggu. Minggu pertama 3 hari, dan minggu kedua pun 3 hari sahaja. Minggu pertama exam teori, segala teori yang dari lubang cacing bawah batu dalam gua dia kasi. Alhamdulillah everything went smooth. Walau dia punya nervous tu lain macam, sampai otak jem tak tahu nak baca apa. Ko tahu apa aku and kawan aku baca, Yasin. Kami buka Yasin ye, tak tahu lah nak expect apa. 

Move minggu kedua. Minggu kedua ni, walau ada exam 3 hari, tapi setiap student hanya akan exam 2 hari sahaja, ikut giliran. Di sini lah bermula segala nya..

Aku, ada kawan. Adalah 3 ketul. Ini yang betul2 member kalau kau jatuh tergelincir time makan eskrem, haa diorg jenis yang gelakkan kau tu. Kami ni sama2 studi untuk prepare exam, sama2 stress, sama2 gila tapi tak sama2 habis exam. 

Aku tak duduk serumah dengan 3 orang ni. Nak jadi cerita, tiba2 rumah diorg semua korona HAHA. Maka member 3 ketul aku tak dapat duduk exam, dan kena kuarantin 2 minggu dan monitor simtom korona. 

Kami, simbolik daripada universiti, akan bagi kami satu stalk bunga orked purple, sori lah takde gambar :'). Disebbakan aku je yang habis on time, kau rasa seronok ke habis sensorang. Member kena kuarantin. Ko nak hepi tak kena, nak sedih pun tak kena. 

Lepas je aku habis exam aku bosan gila, yang lain semua joli habis exam dengan geng studi, aku? haa member korona. Jadi aku postpone lah aku punya selebret habis and passed medikel skool ni. 

Aku dah beli tiket flight waktu first week exam, sekali lah dengan 3 ketul member aku tu, lahhh diorang kena kuarantin, exam  belum habis jawab, macam mana nak balik. Ko tahu apa aku buat?

 

Aku tukar tiket flight, daripada 17Hb jadi 31 Hb. AKu habis exam 8Hb ye. Tak pernah lagi la aku tukar tiket flight sebab member. Bukan apa dah sayang ehek. 

So selama diorang kuarantin aku bawa diri, tak tahu lah apa aku buat, tapi alhmadulillah asyik busy je, takde lah terasa lonely ke sedih ke apa en en.

 

Detik mengdebarkan bila dah sampai hari member kena jawab exam. Exam ni nervous tau, tapi aku malas nak cerita. Long story short, MEMBER AKU PASSED. Alhamdulillah. SERONOK SANGAT. 

 

AKu tak tahu aku nak simpan mesej apa dalam entry ni, tapi sepanjang tempoh benda ni terjadi, im having realization on how much i love them. We are together since 2016, and now 2021. It was a long journey with so many things that happened. Alhamdulillah ~ Alhamdulillah ~ Alhamdulillah

me and my 3 ketul kawan ~ me the one yangg pakai jeans L0L

Wasalam

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Tak De Life

 Assalamualaikum.

aku secara tak sengaja terasa bila dicakapkan gini. Only on that specific moment in my life i was stunt and numb. Almost cry. 

Sebab betul la tu, aku takde life sampai kacau orang lain supaya aku ada life. Tapi i should proud of myself yang trying to make life. 

I hate myself for not having life and need to bugging others to make one. 

wasalam

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p/s: should i stop making one? 

UPDATE 2.0

 Assalamualaikum geng.

 

 

 

Entry kali ni adalah sambungan entry UPDATE yang previous. So nak dijadikan cerita aku failed psychiatric posting. I was so puas yang i failed that posting, because i totally hate it. 

Long story short, walau aku failed satu posting yakni sepanjang aku jadi medical student, itu adalah first time aku failed, aku still succeed being promoted to year 5. 

It's official i am a final year medical student. 4 tahun dah aku cope, know know dah final year.

 

Well, if im not mistaken, few weeks after UPDATE entry, pandemic is here bebeh. Aku sepatut nya exam psy 18 March, and guess what, tarikh MCO starts was 18 March. And then students semua dihantar fly back. ODL pun start. 

Even kena hantar balik, i was contemplating, sebab kena duduk rumah abang. It was the longest duration i have stayed at his house with his family. Everything was so awkward but okey kut at the end. 

Paling tak tahan I was on Orthopaedic posting during that time eventhough havent sit for psy exam (psy exam tangguh kan..) and its the best posting ever. Because every weekend i was able to meet my lovely beloved person, dan segala stress aku bebel dan lepaskan dekat dia. 

I believe my days in KL those days was wonderful and bearable sebab ada someone who close to me and someone that i can open to. And Im glad my abang try to break the ice between me, and Im super glad that my sis in law is loud. Aku dengan abang ni perangai nya sama, seakan ada selective mutism kalau didudukan sekali. So the way we communicate to each other is through sis in-law. Aku pun confuse aku adik siapa ehek. 

But it's okay, the past had us so bad. Eventhough he is cringy when he try to act brother-ly to me, because he didnt realised yet yang adik dia ni rock sikit, I really appreciate his efforts. Im sorry that we both have sad past. Walaupun dah lepas, the child inside still hoping for affection that we hope for. Haih, aku taknak entry ni entry emo.

Then basically it was my first time raya with family abang, paling best part dapat duit raya. Perghh, bahagia gila walau tak banyak, tapi tua2 bangka dapat duit raya, siapa tak seronok.

It was fun fun experience back there, thank you to mokk that always accompany me wherever i go, and treat me nice meals every weekend, every post ODL exam.

Okehh, sekarang aku in second posting,Im doing O&G now, it was hard actually to learn hospital based during this pandemic. We cant really go to hospital, I miss the feeling of malas untuk pergi hospital. And now we cant even able to go and learn by bedside. Sekarang tengah cuti seminggu Raya Cina, it is a quite holiday. And Im being clingy and doing my best to procrastinate. Takpe, esok aku studi HAHAHHAHA

wasalam

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UPDATE

Assalamualaikum blog, lama dah aku tak singgah. Umur pun dah makin banyak. Aku punya statement macam aku dah beranak pinak.
Alhamdulillah sekarang aku dah yr4. Aku sekarang tengah psy posting. Satu je aku cakap, aku tak nampak masa hadapan aku dengan psy department. Aku next nak exam end of posting dah, tapi tu lah. Aku rebel teruk untuk study or buat revision psy. Jujur aku cakap, dalam banyak2 posting yang aku dah buat, psy paling malas aku nak attend. Tiap hari bangun fikir, aku boleh absent ke tak. Otak aku serabut habis bila hadap psy. Masa lecture aku tak boleh fokus langsung. Aku tak tidur, tapi termenung. Aku just harap aku pass je lah psy ni, usaha aku pun tak banyak nak revision or study  Lecturer bising pun aku still relax buat dunno. Dahlah, kbai. 


wasalam 
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Tulis

assalamualaikum



aku rasa bila aku sendiri dan tersisih baru la banyak emosi yang bermain dalam otak aku untuk tulis entry dekat blog, setakat ni emosi aku stabil dan takde perkara yang aku nak lepaskan dekat blog. 

Longing

Assalamualaikum gais, hai.

lagi beberapa minggu bye2 2018, jumpa 2019. Yang single dah berduet, yang berduet dah tubuhkan band. Tahniah everyone, may Allah bless us. I have nothing to say, aku cuma rindu dengan sebuah kehidupan yang aku idamkan. And im still figuring it out. 

wasalam
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